The Finer Art of Floo
by hauntful yay
Summary: When the core of Dumbledore's Army assembles to apparate, they didn't expect to be shipped off to the land of ninjas. Furthermore, being trained by 14 murderous shinobi wasn't exactly what they had had in mind. NarutoHarry crossover... DISCONTINUED
1. Prologue

"RON! That's the FOURTH time you splinched yourself! Seriously, figure out how to apparate!"

"But Hermione…"

"No! I'm NOT helping again! Someone get Ron's eye, I HATE touching eyeballs. _HARRY_!

The young wizard sighed. In actuality, it had been the _eighth_ time Ron had separated himself since this morning, and it had grown old soon after his hair went missing. If Hermione hadn't discovered the unsplinching spell… Harry shuddered. Still, at least they had permission. It seemed the Room of Requirement defied all H2 (Hogwarts, A History. Harry had gotten tired of the title) rules, and allowed practice apparition. (Which of course sent Hermione into a fit, but they took care of that later!)

However, the room had sent a bright rainbow-striped flag skittering around corners to warn the headmaster. The thing had possessed NO sense of direction, and had quite ruined the whole secrecy idea with its escapades-- frantic tearing through busy halls attempting to capture it did not go unnoticed.

Anyhow, the stupid thing HAD managed to arrive at Dumbledore's office, where it was greeted warmly by the man. Apparently it had been several years since the great mentor had seen the happy banner. After Dumbledore had regally regarded his companion's pursuers, (how he managed to look regal sitting cross-legged with a RAINBOW FLAG on his lap Harry never understood) everyone had fled, except Hermione. She, of course, needed to discuss the dire implications of the Room of Requirement in relation to H2. Sigh… Well, he should probably get this group organized. Sigh…

"All right everyone! Attention! Luna; please retrieve Ron's missing article, Ron; DON'T MOVE, Hermione; could you _please_ fix him, Ginny; stop laughing, yes, I said STOP, everyone else get over here—WHERE THE HELL DID THE WEASLEY TWINS GO?"

Harry's demands had risen to a frightening pitch by the word 'twins', so everyone cowered. It took a nice bit of trouble to get Harry yelling, (though that had become easier since the invitation of certain redheads) and in addition he was the leader of this DA meeting. This meant it was generally agreed that the members had to be scared. Even if Fred/George had pointed out that in this DA meeting there were a grand total of eight, so Harry wasn't be presiding over much... Back to the present, Harry slapped his forehead mentally, and instructed everyone to hold hands.

"Now, since _some_ people Hint hint RON _cannot_ seem to be able to apparate no matter how much help they receive HINT HINT RRROOONNN we will be doing a group apparation. Yes, with the six of us, I don't feel like finding the twins--"

"--Plus they already know how to, they just DID it--"

"—AHEM, I don't feel like finding the twins. We're going over to that circle at the end of the room. Pay ATTENTION people. Ron, if your body parts vacate you again, I swear…"

By the time Neville had managed to squeeze between Luna and Harry, who were curiously opposite Ron, the group was ready. Now calmer, Harry faced the quiet circle of friends.

"With group apparition, timing is everything. No one damage Hermione, we need her, you guys may kill off everyone else as you wish--"

"WHAT?!?!"

"--JK. Just do it."

And so they did it. Still, it was kind of weird when the whole room suddenly decided to glow green, and Fred and George randomly appeared in the center of the circle.

This unexpected outcome left some important decisions up to the confused Floo powder they had thrown.

Technically, this was NOT a fireplace, so it shouldn't do any transporting of humanoids. Then again, there was so much transporting magic here anyway that it might as well. It'd be less trouble than hefting than some of the fatter wizards.

The final verdict came when the two summoners shouted "WEASLEY AND CO.!" Luna dreamily asked " Co.?" Hermoine shouted "NO!" and Ron, newly acquainted with sight, brilliantly inquired, "Wha…?"


	2. The Landing

**Author's Note**

So, this is my first fanfiction! Be nice Anyway, this is a Naruto-Harry Potter crossover, mainly centered around the Naruto characters. In this chapter and the next, it's kind of all exclusive Sasuke and Naruto, but all the genin 13 or whatever and my six favorite DA members will get involved after that. Also, eventually I'll haul in all the Slytherins and Peeves. Musn't forget Peeves. And the house elves are coming, of course. So, in this fic, all the characters are around 17, and they've all gone up a rank or two… I'm not doing actual pairings, but it'll be hinted at, like, best-friend kind of thing. I'm sure there's more I'll add later, but all I can remember right now is to talk about Sasuke's story, so just know that Sasuke killed Orochimaru but then went back to Konoha, so Itachi's still alive. All right, later!

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The Hokage had NOT been sleeping, did NOT have an S-ranked mission stamped on her cheek, would NEVER have drool sluggishly sliding down her lip, and DEFINITELY did not throw (empty, of course) sake bottles at her two best ANBU when they appeared via window. Not Tsunade, the Legendary Sannin. Nevertheless, said ANBU were not pleased.

"YOU STUPID OLD HAG! YOU TOLD US TO REPORT AT 6AM, AND WE **_DID_**,

--despite my best objections, you have Sasuke to thank for me being here at all-- THEN YOU THROW **_SAKE_** AT US! YOU—YOU—"

"Imbecile."

"Yes, IMBECILE! IMBECILE! … uh, Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"You aren't supposed to help me insult the Hokage. She doesn't like you, you know."

"That's why I WHISPERED, dobe. You just happened to blow my cover, _again_."

"Heh heh, sorry. Anyway, g'd morning old hag, here's the mission report. You do know that an enemy ninja could just take a mirror and read confidential info off your face? I mean, I wouldn't have thought to bring a mirror, but—"

"OUT! My head hurts, that was 6 **_PM_** not **_AM_**—"

"—actually, it was AM, Tsunade-sama, you punched the time onto Naruto's forehead by the same trick you're using now, you know with the report on your face—"

"WAS TOO AM! I mean, PM! Now, OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT…"

"… what the hell?"

The two ANBU were having similar reactions. The sudden Naruto-like POOF! had caught everyone off guard, and there seemed to be dense green fog filling the air.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Uh… IT WASN'T ME!"

"Naruto…"

"NO! NO! I didn't do it! I don't do green! I'm an orange kind of guy, really! Not green! Right Sasuke? Right?!?! SASUKE?!?!?"

"_Naruto_…"

"SASUKE?!?!?!?!?"

"**_Naruto_**…"

Sasuke, the only intelligent being, grabbed the ever-ready fan from Tsunade's desk. (After a few weeks of constant smoke from appearing shinobi, she had ordered one from Temari) With the dreary demand of "Naruto, dear Hokage, please shut up," he swept away the smoke, from which was issuing a muffled series of coughs and groans.

When all was cleared, eight kids were revealed to be sprawled across the Hokage's rug, massaging their temples. Most appeared too dazed to respond to the kunais pressed against their throats, and the only one fully conscious, the kid with the green (oh, the dreaded green) eyes, was too busy glaring at the taller redheads to notice.

_Impressive frown, _Sasuke mused absently.

" Fred and George. You. Are. So. DEAD. Who's idea was it to chuck FLOO POWDER on a GROUP APPARATION?!? Then you had to transport us to WHO-KNOWS- WHERE 'cause the floo powder randomly decided to WORK and then everyone decided to TALK so we had an actual DESTINATION—Oh. Hi. Could you take the knife thing away please? I'm kind of annoyed right now, and it wasn't MY fault; you should kill the twins. Yeah, over there. No, they're both real, poking George won't make him disappear. No, no, don't stab him please. He IS my friend. Oh, very well. Stab him if you must. No one seems to understand me anyway, 'cept for the booby one over there who's looking at me like I'm a dementor. Though maybe not a dementor; don't think I look _that_ scary. Hm…"

_Hm indeed. The green-eyed one seems to be quite talkative. And the leader. Still, his babbling is probably just shock. And a new language is needed, since I only know a bit of English. Interesting… _

Sasuke saw the Hokage's famed evil glint a few seconds before Naruto. Glancing briefly at each other through their respective masks, fox and snake, they swore quietly and started preparing their hand seals. With all the speed of their esteemed sensei, they hopped gracefully into the air, ready to poof away, when

"IF YOU TWO LEAVE, YOU'RE STRIPPED OF ALL YOUR POWERS AND ARE DEMOTED TO GENIN!"

They froze.

"Muh ha ha, I love myself." was added more quietly.

And that was pretty much when gravity failed the two ANBU and the Hokage had both sitting on her knees, grandmother style.

"Crap crap crap crap—"

"Be more creative, dobe."

"Sure, stuck-up smart head, lets see you do better. Crap." Naruto said the last part firmly.

"Hn. Fine. Crap."

"VERY WELL, my pretties," Tsunade interrupted. "there seem to be quite a few English speaking idiots on my favorite rug. (and only rug, but you don't need to know that)

"Your new mission is to lodge them, find out who they are, what they are, how they will be useful to us, and most importantly, how to get rid of them. Comprende? Very good. Since there's a lot of useless ninja walking around, you can grab anyone you want to help—just don't tell them they're not gonna get paid."

Squawk !

"No, Naruto, you're not going to be paid either. Long ranged mission, so however you lodge your group—well, bring sleepover gear. Now off you go, toodle doo, and don't forget they don't speak Japanese, so you're going to have to teach them, or learn English yourselves with your chosen subordinates. Have fun, Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto!"

Tsunade smiled as she watched the two slink off with their charges. Oh, this was going to be _fun…_


	3. Meeting the Ninja

Harry Potter, the golden boy, the only living person able to vanquish the dark lord… had a headache. After enduring a very dizzying and smoke-filled journey, awaking to pointy objects, staring at the crazed Weasley twins, bewilderingly watching rapid dialogue in what appeared to be Japanese, freaking out as two grown teens sat on a young woman, not forgetting the whole I'm-the-leader-and everyone's-complaining-so-its-automatically-my-problem thing, Harry was pretty sure he had a right to have a headache.

And now those two mysterious cloaked figures with weird gravity-defying hair and death-eaterish masks were attempting to carry his group off. HIS group. But after some reflection, Harry decided not to care, and as the two were about to knock him out anyway, he contented himself with being quietly dragged.

…

Naruto and Sasuke were creating quite the uproar.

Sasuke was carrying three unconscious kids (and they were HEAVY) bridal style, one stacked upon the other, much to Ron, Hermoine, and Neville's internal discomfort. (Though Neville was on top, so Sasuke thought he should be happy)

According to him, two of them had been much too loud to be left awake, and the third had fainted on his own when faced with red eyes behind a serpentine visor. Sasuke swore the sharingan had activated by accident.

Naruto had managed to locate a wagon in what he called "Tsunade's Closet of Chaos", and was pulling Luna, Ginny, and the twins, all bound and gagged. Or at least they were supposed to be bound and gagged, as Fred had pulled SOMETHING out of George's pocket a few minutes ago, and they were at present very free. Naruto didn't much care, however, as they didn't seem to be going anywhere, and were mostly awestruck watching Konoha (which was indeed where they had landed).

However, that left one kid to be divided among the two of them. Eventually, Sasuke declared that since the 'green-eyed freak' was the leader, he was the likeliest to escape, which meant, unless they were to knock him out, that they had to keep constant contact with him, so meaning Naruto should carry him since he, Sasuke, was already carrying three burdens, and Naruto had a wagon.

This explained why the Boy-who-Lived was currently sitting atop Naruto's shoulders.

"Sasuke, you suck."

"Sure, dobe. And the Kazekage smiled."

"He did, actually. You were too busy out being evil to notice little old us, but he smiled and me and made me shake his hand. After he died, of course, then came alive again."

"… Ah. … So, he MADE you?"

"Um, well, I was kinda busy doing the whole OMG GAARA'S SICK THE WORLD'S GOING TO BLOW OMG thing, so yeah… anyway, he still smiled."

"Mm hm. Sure dobe."

"You already said that—I win. Hold on… I remember! About you sucking, why exactly did I get stuck carrying **_5_** fat kids, AND the green eyed freak?"

"'Cause I'm carrying three dead teens. And let me tell you, these guys are OUT of shape. VERY out."

"Oh, is THE Uchiha too weak?"

"…"

"Hold on, they're DEAD?!?"

"…Hn."

"SASUKE!"

…

"Am I interrupting something?" Neji, polite as always, questioned.

It was about that time that the 'useless ninja' started showing up. Naruto was however, as the always prepared ninja, quick to greet, especially when assigning missions.

"Oh, hi team number whatever you are! I was just beating up Sasuke without actually touching him, cause I can't hurt the charges, but not really, you're not interrupting. Hi Neji! Tenten! Lee!"

"YOUTH YOUTH YOUTH YOUTH YOUTH--"

"Yes, very nice Lee. Hi Naruto! And, uh, Sasuke!" Tenten sweatdropped at Sasuke's expression.

He was currently glaring. Pathetically glaring. Poor Sasuke… constantly ignored...

Tenten, shrugging off the perspiration, continued:

"Anyway, it's been a while since you guys were back! Oh, and why're you still wearing the masks? Don't tell me I have to tear them off of you…"

Neji found it prudent to interrupt.

"She broke my STRAP with SHURIKEN. You are SO lucky you didn't cut my hair, Tenten."

"That's not luck, dearie, that's skill. You looked dumb with the hawk face on, and everyone thought you were a girl! You have no idea how many fanboys I had to get rid of…"

"Dearie? Girl?! DUMB? FANBOYS?!?!??!"

"Yup, Hyuga, we all have 'em. Now quiet please, you're making the green-eyed wonder stare."

"Hn."

"Pick again, Neji, that's Sasuke's word. He wins!"

"… Wow, Naruto."

…

"Hi Naruto, Sasuke, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Shino (oh silent one), Hinata, Kiba, Temari and… GAARA? No way! No way no way noway nowaynawynwenwenwe—"

"Prepare to die, oh blond-haired cross-dresser."

"I'M not a cross-dresser. That's Deidera! Though he's more a cross-hairer… oi, Shika, is he still alive? "

"Think so. How troublesome."

"Hey team Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru! Me an' Sasuke've got a mission for you! All of us are assigned to take care of the green-eyed freak and friends! Ino, you seen Sakura yet? She the last one."

"GREEN-EYED FREAK? GREEN EYED- FREAK?!?!?!?"

"Oh look, Sasuke, she's here! Hi Sakura! No, we weren't talking about you. Or Gaara, for that matter, but his eyes are always changing between like, aqua and sky foam so it doesn't really matter. Oh, and now that we're here, where ARE we going, Sasuke?"

"Hn…"

"Oh sure, back to your grunts. Hold on, Naruto, you've been dragging us around without knowing where we're going?!"

"Why is it always me?"

"Tenten, put the scroll away…"

…

Some time later, Naruto had recovered enough to swing into standard cowering position—Hands behind head (that HURT) and whining pitifully. After a quick check on the now- cataleptic freak, he lauched into a winding description of the mission… with the result that eventually all the ninjas landed in the Uchiha mansion, with gear for several months and mounds of English books. Groaning sadly, they all began the horrendous job of cleaning a dust-layered "freaking CASTLE Sasuke! You SUCK!"


	4. To the Akatsuki Hideout

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts…

"You bit me."

"You locked me in a closet with hundreds of tone-deaf house-elves."

"You bit me."

"They were SINGING."

"You bit me."

"Yes, I did. Go away."

"Humph."

Peeves was not a happy poltergeist. His arm looked INFECTED, for crying out loud! What age did the Bloody Baron LIVE in?! You'd think they'd have mouthwash, or toothpaste, or SOMETHING! And it wasn't his fault all the elves suddenly came down with the unexplainable urge to sing.

But Peeves was never one to miss gossip, even if he WAS dripping transparent pus. And when it seemed the great Potty-Wotter had disappeared without a trace, as he so keenly heard from his favorite professor's scream, as well as the dreaded Weasley twins, Peeves knew that someone up there loved him.

…

Several days later, Peeves was happily munching something crunchy, much to the disgust of the students below. Since he couldn't eat anything, as a ghost, his mouth wasn't doing all that much good, but he had been delighted to find that ghost spit had the consistency of goose poop. Not to mention that every single student in the school had a permanent stick protruding from their behinds. Just a little opinion Peeves had had after the popcorn incident. Now THAT had been funny.

"_Pppppp-eeee-vvveeeee-sssss_"

Said poltergeist picked up on the taunting call immediately. Straining his sizable ears, Peeves floated stealthily through the nearest wall. A certain scarred Gryffindor's voice was flowing from the Great Hall, and this required immediate investigation. (since he was supposed to be GONE! Darn Potter) Upon arrival, however…

"_**APPARATIONUM SOMEWHEREISOSA**_!"

His nemesis, the Bloody Baron, appeared to be holding… a megaphone? And… a wand? Was that… Floo Powder? And why were the still-cursed house-elves running around chanting to kill all popcorn? Why was everything sparkly? And… WHAT?

…

The Akatsuki were having a rough day. Killing people took a lot of energy, with the preliminaries having to be done and all. First you had to glide in without catching a CLOUD CAPE on anything (which took TONS of practice. When Sasori had first arrived, he'd tripped on a nail. Darn people were living in an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE! Sasori had only "visited" the rich, after that.)

Then you had to glare/ talk smart / stay completely emotionless for times up to an HOUR! (Also extremely difficult. Itachi's hand had started itching during a fight with Kakashi a few years ago, causing him to have to pull it up from his cloak to brush it against his fishnet. Then, as he couldn't just leave the hand on his stomach, he had to pull it out and rest it on the cape's opening, making him look faintly ridiculous. And that, of course, meant he had to intensify his chosen tactic (being cool and emotionless) even LONGER…)

THEN, after many VERY MEANINGFUL seconds of a full out sob fest from the victim (or not), you FINALLY got to kill them. It wasn't really necessary, but it was TRADITION, and the preliminaries were how the Akatsuki had gotten famous originally.

Anyway, Itachi and Kisame were watching TV when two transparent floating figures appeared with a bunch of disproportionate midgets. They were chanting something. They were interrupting their Iron Chef.

The missing-nin were not pleased.


	5. More guests

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUDDUP SHUDDUP—"

"Malfoy, calm."

"_S-n-a-p-e_! They're making fun of us AGAIN!"

"And so you decided to climb unto the table and shout vulgar words?"

"YES! This is all the Baron's fault! That hateful ghost! Now look at us, the purest of all inbred freaks, forced to be mocked for the cruelty of our symbol's (that would be the Baron) erratic and mysterious leave--"

"Ho hum. Inbred freaks, are we? Oh, the wonders of the womb…"

"… Yeah?"

"Yeah. So, you think you can dismount from the table now, Draco? Because I have the solution to saving our house's dignity."

"Really? So, are we gonna make the Muggles make us a new ghost? With a really really long even bloodier sword? That'd be awesome!"

"Something along those lines. You, the Slytherins, are going to go rescue the Bloody Baron."

"…"

"…"

Outraged Looking Up Nose

"Malfoy, you are aware that you look absurd? I am taller than you, so it doesn't work."

"…"

"Very well. Well, let's hope all the Slytherins are at lunch today!"

And Snape Apparated the whole group, majestically throwing floo powder in the air. Blue floo powder, just to dampen suspicions. He also, smiling horribly, stopped taking the Polyjuice Potion and morphed back into McGonagall.

She had always hated Slytherins.

…

The Akatsuki were hosting some 200-odd students in beautiful black cloaks. As well as a greasy man who was an insult to all black hair (as Itachi so pointedly announced), and the original singing midgets and ghosts. And the worst thing was, they couldn't kill them.

The Akatsuki were not pleased.


	6. Having Fun

By the time a week had passed, all was sorted out at the Uchiha mansion. Tsunade had received a twinkling little note from Dumbledore, explaining the reward if his students could be returned properly trained. So the ninjas were now getting paid and were moderately happy.

To calm the Hogwarts students, she had also produced a confidential report addressing the great Voldemort. Apparently the wizard was temporarily out of commission caring for Nagini, who had somehow managed to consume Fudge's toxic bowler hat. Harry was delighted.

Finally, Tsunade instructed that the best way to train these owl-people would be to treat them as genin, with almost genin groups. This was why Naruto was presently involved in the sorting of two ninja per DA student…

"Me and Sasuke have got the green-eyed freak. For sure. Do we have an agreement? ... I'll just take that as a yes. Passed. Harry, get over here."

"No. Sasuke wants to kill me. I can tell."

"Sasuke does not want to kill you, Harry. He's just a bit… sensitive. "

"Uh hun. He insults me whenever I get him to stop glaring. He wants to kill me."

Sasuke decided it was time to participate."Growl. Harry, get over here. Or die."

"..."

"…"

"Told you."

…

Eventually, Harry, properly bribed, arrived at Naruto's side, staying as far as possible from the disgusted Uchiha. Peace did not reign long, however, as the other ninja were quick to find pairs. (Gym class, shinobi style)

"I CALL SHIKA!" Temari was the first to 'ask a favor'.

"NO CALLING!" Ino was yelling just as strongly, if not louder.

"TOO CALLING!" Temari.

"CAN NOT!" Ino.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto. He had his own methods of gaining control and was not to be criticized.

"…"

"Kay! Good to have everyone back! Actually, Temari, you ARE with Shikamaru! Guess who you get to teach! "

Neville was shaking. He had been observing everyone, and DID NOT want this pair.

_Not me not me not me not me not me—_

"Neville!"

_Dang._

"Hormonal brats… Annoying…" was Neville's quiet angst before the traditional

"I g-g-g-g-g-g-et T-t-t-t-temari and Sh-i-i-i-kamaru?"

"Yup!" Naruto was back in the project. "Have fun, Neville! You guys, start talking or something. It's good for you. We're all in agreement with this group, right? Good. Next is Ron! Who wants to guess?"

"ME! ME! ME! FOR RON'S TOTAL UNYOUTHFUL BRATNESS, NEJI-KUN AND TENTEN-SAN'S TOTAL YOUTHFULNESS COULD HELP BALANCE IT OUT! YOUTH YOUTH YOUTH YOUTH!"

"No. The Weasley is idiotic. Make Lee do it, he's so excited."

"That's not nice, Neji. You'll hurt Ron's feelings… but you're right. I'm going for Lee… and… Gaara. Oh, that would be great…" Tenten had a serene look on her face.

By this point in Team Gai's conversation, Ron was blubbering with rage, and ready to spring. Not that anyone paid any attention as Naruto announced the final result…

"Almost, Tenten! I've assigned Lee and Shino, so I hope you three will enjoy yourselves!" Pause for hysterical laughter. "Up next, we've got Neji and Tenten!" Laughter abruptly swallowed. "Un huh, you guys are working together! And because you're such a capable pair, I've assigned a super capable other pair!"

_OTHER PAIR?_ Tenten and Neji gulped.

Dramatic Stop

"The Weasley twins! Yay!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo…" Neji was contemplating tears.

However, the Weasleys cut in before anything drastic could happen.

"Oh, come on-"

"-scary long-haired-"

"-white-eyed-"

"-chap! Not sure-"

"-if you're a girl-"

"-or a boy-"

"-but we'll assume you're a-"

"-boy cause of that nasty expression-"

"-on your face. Not to insult YOU-"

"-other scary lady. Come-"

"-on! It'll be-"

_IN CHORUS_: "Fun!"

The shinobi sweatdropped.

…

"Okay! I think that's all the boys. We're down to… the lovely Luna! Just to save you all the trouble, it's going to be—"

"NO!" The remaining kunochi had finally arose from their heated discussion in the corner. "We have already decided. Me (Ino) and Hinata will teach her. You know, with special mind techniques?"

More sweatdrops at the swirly mind techniques Ino was demonstrating.

"Uh, okay! That's what I was about to say anyway--"

"HAHA! GOT YOU NARUTO! FIRST ALL GIRL GROUP! OH YEAH! Nice-going, forehead girl!"

Death by dehydration from sweatdrops.

"… You, uh, totally owned me, Sakura and Ino… On the other hand, I'll just forget that this ever happened. Now, no interruptions, this is getting rather long. The next group is Sakura, Chouji, and Ginny, followed by Hermoine, Kiba, and… well, Gaara. STOP LAUGHING! Or I'll scream! I will! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Good! This is what I want to hear! Now, we all set guys? Here's the rules… one, DON'T KILL EACH OTHER! Otherwise I won't get paid. Next, be productive! Third, you must live, breathe, and do EVERYTHING with your new groups! Think team bonding! … Uh, that's a little weird. No matter! So, last rule, HAVE FUN! Rooms are upstairs, pick your team name and paste it on the door. Now, Harry, would you please hold onto me, and Sasuke, could you poof us please, I think Gaara's going to seriously injure me. Remember, you LOVE UZUMAKI NARUTOOoOoOoOoooooo…

Poof. And Team Leader was gone. Hermione cleared her throat in the dead silence. It seemed everyone else had been buried in sand. "So, uh, Gaara! Nice to… meet you?"

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**Author's Note- **

I love this chapter.


	7. Team Leader

**Author's Note**

Thank you thank you cooliocows215 for my one and only review! Yay! (shows how sad I am. Sigh…) Anyway, as people who have made it this far might have noticed, this story is littered with spelling mistakes. So I've been replacing all the problems as I spot them. Which means constantly changing chapters! (alliteration, is it?) Finally, for the next seven chapters, I'm writing short little narratives about the teams. Hope you'll like them!

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"Thank you, Sasuke! I'm SAVED!"

Naruto promptly went running around the room blessing everything in sight. Harry stared.

"So, um, what was with all the sand?"

"Oh—" Naruto stopped screaming as Sasuke bonked him on the noggin. "Well, all my friends like trying to kill me. It's kind of how they show they love me, but it can get fairly dangerous. So, hi Harry! Tell us about yourself! Sasuke's being a bit quiet, but he's only shy. See? Now he's waking up. He'll be fine in a bit."

"Naruto—"

"—SO!" Harry interrupted, who didn't like the murderous intent flowing off Sasuke ever since Naruto's flippant "Oh, they all like to kill me" bit. "I'm Harry Potter! I'm destined—"

"No, don't say that. You sound like Neji before I beat him up. Thank goodness that's over…"

"I mean, I'm supposed to kill—" Harry wasn't quite sure how to explain Voldemort—"an… evil snake dude? He killed off my family when I was one."

Sasuke was fully "awake" by this point. "So, do you live your life with the sole goal of trying to kill this evil snake dude?"

"Um, like an avenger? Well, sort of… you see, he's been killing people for over twenty years… mass murdering for a chunk of that. Still, I have to kill him for the community, and I'm the only one prophesized to be able to do so…"

"Wow, Sasuke! Lots of similairities there! Evil snake dude, avenger, killing whole families… I think I'll let you two discuss for a bit. Bye!"

And Naruto was gone. Sasuke sighed, and looked at the figure opposite him.

"So, you want to explain the scar?"

…

Naruto smiled gently. After a few hours of talking, Sasuke and Harry were getting along like only friends could. A wide grin spread over the smile, and Naruto happily sighed. Team Leader was fully operational!


	8. Team Murder

Surprisingly, out of all the teams, Neji thought that theirs was the most likely to slaughter each other. The twins were just so damn ANNOYING! They had already managed to black out the room, (there were bunk beds! NOOOO!) make Tenten throw up excessively, cause Neji a frighteningly powerful nosebleed, and… had somehow wormed a "Knicker Twister" into his tea.

Amazing how 'snicker' rhymed with 'knicker'. Also amazing how Fred was pinned to the wall with assorted weapons, and George was both unconscious and rippling through the color spectrum from bruises. The ninja looked at each other and smiled. Just amazing.

…

Three hours later, Tenten put the finishing touches on her masterpiece with a flourish. She called it, appropriately, the Move-And-You-Die-Machine. It was, in fact, very impressive. The twins were both hooked up to it, and Tenten and Neji were sitting, finally drinking their (laboriously checked) tea. After they finished laughing at each other, of course. The Weasleys _were_ pretty brilliant.

Fred glanced at George and winced. His twin looked horrible, reaching the point of puke green. However, he had to admit, Neji had created quite the work of art. You could almost look at George and see a… very violent, but skilled painter. Talking about skilled, look at the contraption they were balanced in! Gorgeous, simply gorgeous. Now, to just get out…

…

Sakura, Ginny, and Chouji listened carefully for sounds from Team Murder's room. All had been quiet for a while, and for that they were grateful. Until, of course, it wasn't quiet anymore and they could hear crashes and screams accompanied with the quick slice of weapons. Creeping forward to help with potentially fatal injuries, Sakura stopped suddenly, and smirked at a sound the group couldn't hear. Ginny and Chouji watched in surprise as Sakura turned around and headed back to their room. Then they heard it too. An ominous chuckle, and a drawled, "I win."


	9. Team Pacifist

"Someone please tell me how we got named Team 'Pacifist'. As in, peace. I AM NOT PEACEFUL! HARUNO SAKURA IS **NOT** PEACEFUL! Yes, yes, I showed my soft side a bit there, but did you see Neji's NOSE? His robes were DRIPPING blood! About to pass out from blood loss! And Tenten was in the same state! Dry heaving stomach fluid wasn't helping anyone! She could hardly BREATHE! Just because we were a BIT CONCERNED they'd KILL EACH OTHER doesn't make us Team Pacifist! It makes _them_ team **HOMICIDE** and us just team! ARG!"

Chouji and Ginny watched Sakura flail around the room. They had become immediate friends after Ginny had offered Chouji a Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Bean (mm, BBQ flavor), and their group was actually getting along. If truth be told, they had actually been using their "bonding time" as the period in which to conduct an extensive search for the kitchens.

After a battered pair of ninja had stumbled into the hallway, however, (that is to say Neji and Tenten) the search for food was put on hold. Ginny hoped her brothers knew what they were doing—the two ninja had looked absolutely corpsish upon encountering their group. Shrugging, she decided to end Sakura's rant.

"Sakura, I think you should stop now. Whoever's below us might want you to shut up—they're pounding on the roof. Maybe we should go wander around for the kitchen again? I think Chouji's still hungry."

"Yup. Come on, Sakura! Stop worrying; our name's fine. Did you hear about Naruto's group? Team _Leader_. THAT is a dumb name. Let's just go eat! " Chouji belonged to the group of people in the world who believed food could solve anything.

"Fine, fine. Still, what ya think we prank all the doors on the way down? The buckets lined up along the wall there are just a little too tempting…"

"Sounds good. Let's head out, grab some molasses or something." Chouji was nonchalant.

"Molasses is good. Still, maybe some gum mixed in? The consistency of the combination should be interesting…" Ginny was warming up now.

"Hm, how about whipped cream?" Sakura glinted with happiness.

"Peanut butter?"

"Marshmallow?"

"Tomato sauce?"

The three looked at each other merrily. With a final war cry, they exited the door, each hollering delightedly.

"OH YES! TEAM PACIFIST IS BEING _**PEACEFUL**_!" That would be Sakura.


	10. Team Trouble

"Neville ?"

"Y-y-y-y-es ?"

"Do you have an inner self?" Temari looked thoughtfully at the boy.

"…Huh?"

"You know, like Inner Sakura. That's not the first time you mumbled something while glaring at us like a demented squirrel."

Neville stayed quiet. Shikamaru thought he looked more like a demented skunk.

"No."

"See! You forgot to stutter! Shika, didn't he forget to stutter?"

"Maybe. Troublesome."

"That's all you ever say, Shikamaru. You didn't even answer my question… But anyway, doesn't always saying the same thing get repetitive? I mean, even clouds change. In fact, they're constantly changing. You personality is contradicting itself." Temari glimpsed Neville out of the corner of her eye. Beaming, she looked back at Shikamaru and motioned for him to start talking. Preferably with insults.

"Contradiction is all a manner of perspective."

Well, not bad. At least while Shikamaru was being all Zen, he was somewhat informative. "I knew your personality liked change. So, want to go see if we can find the roof? I'd blow down the whole building, but I don't think Gaara'd be pleased."

"If you blew down the whole building, they're _be_ no roof. Plus, there's the issue of what'd we do with Neville."

"We can dump him out the window or something."

"Maybe."

"So, anyway, I could still blow down the whole building. Blame it on bad supports. Then we could lie on the ground, you know? And be peaceful and stuff. Peace…"

Shikamaru thought that Temari's "dreamy look" was being contradicted by the heavy smirk she was wearing. Sighing, he continued. It was all for a good cause, after all.

"Peace…" Glance. Blanched complexion.

"Peace…" Glance. Rosy complexion.

"Peace…" Glance. Crimson complexion.

"Peace…" Glance. Plum complexion.

"Peace…"

"MY GOD YOU GUYS! DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING USEFUL?!?!? STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID BELLATRIX BELLATRIX BELLATRIX _I'LL KILL HER SHE'S MINE DIE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL DIE!!!!"_

Neville froze, a hand over his mouth.

Temari and Shikamaru wore identical grins.

"I knew he could do more than a demented squirrel."

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Or skunk! YAY! This is the author's note to my reviewer… Uh, I'm not really sure I have a plot. I know what's going to happen, sort of, but no actual plot. I should probably get one, shouldn't I… Organization has always been my weakest skill. Oh, and for the longer thing… I'm trying. Are four pages per chapter good? I don't really think I can do much better right now. But I have to get through the 'team' oneshots before I do anything—though I published two this time!


	11. The End

Cooliocows215—

Thank you, I agree heartily. I don't actually like this fic, just because it _is _crack, and I don't really understand the characters really well. No plot, no emotions, total randomness… yeah. So, thanks for reading everyone! It was a good experience. I'm not sure about the rewriting deal—don't expect this fic to come up again. Well, I shall continue studying writing if I ever decide to start again! (refer to comment that I need to convince myself I like writing) Adieu-- hauntful yay.

This is kind of abrupt... sorry.


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